A wife brings coffee to her workaholic husband.
Without taking his eyes off the computer screen, he takes a sip slams the cup down on the desk immediately.
Disgusted, he says, "You know I can’t drink coffee without sugar!"
She smiles, touches his shoulder and says, "Oh, honey, I’m so glad."
"What are you talking about?" he asks, confused.
"Well this is the first conversation we’ve had in weeks!"

A husband notices that every Sunday his wife tries to stay in bed as long as possible. Just once he’d like to have the bed to himself.
So after laying there a while, the husband asks,
"Honey, do want some coffee?"
The wife sits up and says, "Oh yes, that sounds lovely."
"Great," the husband replies, "just go down to the store across town and find get us some."

In the doctor’s office, a patient asks for advice,
"Doctor, what should I do?
Every time I come home from work, I see some strange man in bed with my wife. When I start yelling at her, she just locks me in the kitchen and tells me to calm down and drink a cup of coffee. This has been happening every day for the last four months."
The Doctor replies, "So how can I help you?"
"I just want to know - am I drinking too much coffee?"

"Waiter! Did you bring me coffee or tea?"
"Can you tell the difference?"
"Well...no...I can’t"
"Then it shouldn’t really matter."

"Waiter, this coffee is cold".
"Oh, I’m glad you told me. Iced coffee costs a dollar more."

"This coffee is so delicious, where did you get it from?"
"Oh, this coffee is from Brazil."
"Oh wow, that’s incredible. All the way from Brazil and it’s still hot!"

Serving a man on death row his last breakfast, the officer asked,
"How much sugar do you want in your coffee?"
"Are you crazy?" the man replied, "I’m a diabetic!"

"Have you heard? Smith got fired!"
"Really? Poor guy. What happened?"
"Well as you know, he worked for the tea distribution company, but every time someone called asking for the manager, Smith responded that the manager was taking a coffee break."

A wife brings her husband hot coffee in bed, then goes back to the kitchen and hears a scream from the bedroom.
She goes back in and asks, "Honey, what’s wrong?"
"I spilled all the coffee on myself!"
"Oh, don’t be upset. It’s no problem. I’ll make more."

The waiter asks the hotel guest,
"Would you like to have your coffee in bed?"
"Um. No," he replied,
"I prefer it in a cup."

"Here is your coffee sir! Exclusively from South America!"
"Ah, that’s what took you so long."

Husband asks his wife,
"Dear, what would you like me to make for breakfast, tea or coffee?"
"If yesterday you gave me coffee, then make a tea. If it was tea, then please, make it coffee."

Angered client calls for the waiter,
"You call this coffee?"
"Of course. And the best proof that it’s coffee is that you got very excited only after one sip!"

A man went to his psychiatrist and said,
"Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."
The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Customer: It tastes like gasoline!
Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous.
I said, "Why don’t you quit drinking coffee?"
He said. "Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all."

44 Ways to know if you drink too much coffee...

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you buy.
3. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in bed."
4. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
6. You sleep with your eyes open.
7. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
8. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
9. You lick your coffeepot clean.
10. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
11. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
12. You only eat coffee cake.
13. You chew on other people’s fingernails.
14. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
15. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
16. You call everyone "Joe."
17. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
18. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
19. You buy half and half by the barrel.
20. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
21. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
22. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
23. All of your clothes have coffee stains.
24. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
25. People get dizzy just watching you.
26. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
27. You can barely wait to drink Instant Coffee.
28. When someone says. "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop."
29. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
30. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
31. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
32. You’re offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
33. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
34. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
35. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
36. You short out motion detectors.
37. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
38. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
39. You don’t tan, you roast.
40. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
41. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
42. You can’t even remember your second cup.
43. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
44. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

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